Today's been rough. Though it's had it's ups too! It's been quite the downer...
My Dad has been all over me today. Just everything I did was wrong. And I'm so used to hearing it, I really do believe him. I'm just so tired of it. I'm sick of not being good enough. I know, I'm an awful daughter. He couldn't tell me enough. I back talk, I rarely listen to anything he has to say and yeah, I love my Mother so much more than I could ever love him. At the same time, He has yet to realize that I loved her and was close to her because of how she treated me. Her love for me never came with conditions. Her tone of voice rarely changed toward me, Even in situations where most would blow a gasket. She kept every secret I ever told to her. Minus the one, Which I understand. It's not like I could've hidden that I was pregnant anyway.
But even when I told her that. She was just as calm and kind as a woman could be. Because she knew. She just knew it wasn't my fault. She just did the best to help with the situation. It was two in the morning and she took me to Wal-Mart to buy pregnancy test after pregnancy test. The next day we went to the health department (her still being as supportive as she could be) and discussed all my options there. Keeping the baby, adoption and even abortion. Her support never hindered. Even in my final decision. She just put all her strength into being the support figure I needed at the time.
My father however, Is a completely different story. And on that subject, I'd rather not talk about how exactly he treated me. He never let's a day go by without letting me know that everything is my fault.
Now Adam. He thinks he's so righteous in saying that I am blameless. His sarcasm just isn't appreciated. I'm sorry he grew up in a home where playing the blame game was a family activity, But that doesn't give him the right to assume I don't know what's mine in argumentative situations. Trust me, I've taken more than my share of falls.
I blame myself for things you couldn't imagine.
I blame myself for being raped.
- I mean, If I hadn't have been in a abusive relationship with Jacob anyway, It isn't likely that it would've ever happened to me. Thus, Later resulting in my murdering of an innocent child. Which you couldn't possibly understand the guilt of.
I blame myself for my Dad not loving my Mom.
- Maybe if she hadn't loved me so much, Maybe if she hadn't have spent all her time with me, Maybe if I would've just given them some breathing room... Maybe he would've looked at her the way he looks at Kristi.
I blame myself for my Mom dying.
- My Mom fought through various cancers for over 10 very long years. If I had been around more in that last month when things were at their hardest... I mean, I'd been there every other time and things always worked out fine. She lived for me. She wasn't just my bestfriend, I was hers too. She needed me like I needed her. My Mom would've never died in front me. Ever. God, I really should have been there.
I'm sorry I mess up everything. This isn't sarcasm, It's truth. I just make everything harder for everyone.
I mean really, When's the last time someone said they were exited to see
me? Or they couldn't live without
me? Or anything of the sort? They haven't. Because no one feels that way about me. Whilst I feel that way about so many people. I guess I'm just a very expendable person.
Eh. I just texted Emmy. Hopefully my Dad will get the message and come get me soon. I just called and left him a voicemail. So thanks for talking to me.
Night.
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